the only way for me to pull through this is to pretend its all not really happening. it's only a dream sequence. and when i wake up i'll be in a better place. but i feel it all. i hold on to these years and for what. yeah we went a lot of places. yeah we were best friends. yeah we have pictures together and had a life together. but if i'm not ready to settle down at 22, why am i still with this person i have no desire to be around. he fills a void i'm convinced that i have. everyone has a void. without friends and family and interests and school and support we would all feel emptiness. these are the ingredients to my growth and they matter to me more than he ever did. let me make it public for the first time, my confessions, all the BULLSHIT reasons we came back to each other. none of which had anything to do with love.
1. felt rejection from a guy. i'll never find love. #1 worst. honestly, how spineless am i? i can't understand why i can give this advice to anyone but can't follow it myself. this probably accounted for at least 6 of the reconnects. i was so used to him being around and i guess i kind of used him for security all these years.
2. kristen and joel started dating. this is ALSO the #1 worst.
i began reconnecting to his invisible myspace. hey, i know it's you. let's get together. i thought it had been long enough to be civil, to be friends. and so then we all went to joels and it was so long ago that i couldn't even describe what happened. but its all gravy now.
3. the last one was probably the most ridiculous of them all. a drunk text from him just to rile me up. turned into a drunk phone call at 4am screaming at one another about lawsuits. which turned into you're the love of my life, please come back, i am so alone, let me pick you up. i can actually feel the nausea inside of me in that car ride back to the apartment. what am i doing. i am so embarassed to be doing this. i went back because i a) did not want to be sued, (like he could afford a lawyer) and b) i couldn't let him be in the empty apartment, feeling heartbroken. ALL THESE REASONS ARE HORSESHIT. WTF WAS I THINKING.
i didn't talk about him to anyone or bring him around because he was awkward as hell. he hated my friends and they hated him. just bad times. i used to not want to desert his friends and my friends i was with for this long. but after several incidents and escapades i'm realizing i can surely do without, and honestly, they would never chill with me otherwise.
does anyone realize the happiness that i had found when i was free of this for 2 years? the people i met and the places. when i moved to glassboro and made it on my own, lived out of my car. i was not intimidated. not for anything. i'm convinced i have ripped biceps from carrying my belongings in and out of cars, from one home to another. jack kerouac could have written a book about me.
