adaptation.

i'm realizing now the only way you can be comfortable with something is to do it as much as possible. i think everyone right now is in a good place, regardless of the way they feel. sometimes the way you feel is not the reality of the situation. i tell myself this a lot. i feel a lot of positive vibes 1984 coming out of me right now. i think i'd like to keep my cheeks dry today-e-ayyy. so stay with me and you'll have it made.

it's friday

i don't know if i actually thought i would post a "day 2" or "day 6", but come on, inconsistency is my middle name. and lynn.
TGIF! that mean's hangin' with mr. cooper tonight. there really is nothing going on that i know of, i am kind of hot to go see some live music but fun can be fundy these days. i'm not trying to spend over 20$ on anything, so i'm kind of limited to ye olde thatch. its whatever, thatcher's has become a friday night staple to not just me but everyone else (cindy) and uncle junior. i hope to be just like him when i grow up. wait no i'm lying.
as far as my emotional update i'm actually going through these motions with little to no heartbreak at this point. the rest of my affiliates are in the staffroom discussing male problems, and i must admit i feel quite lucky to be single. two women in my life are currently struggling to hold onto volatile alcoholics, and i can see now what everyone else saw six months ago. it's hard to tell someone to leave a partner, they don't want to hear it, they have to want to do it. i just didn't want to be alone and i must admit feelings of instability now but it's better than feeling like a waste.
i feel a touch overwhelmed with the lifestyle change but honestly i'm starting to feel more comfortable with my life all over the place, at least more comfortable than last week. i know i'll find my own place soon, and this is only a temporary stint of confusion and excessive fuel spending. i'm gonna end this post here, the past two entries have been slightly too somber for my taste, and i didn't promise anyone that but ya know sometimes you just gotta WRITE IT OUT to make sense of it.

day 1

the only way for me to pull through this is to pretend its all not really happening. it's only a dream sequence. and when i wake up i'll be in a better place. but i feel it all. i hold on to these years and for what. yeah we went a lot of places. yeah we were best friends. yeah we have pictures together and had a life together. but if i'm not ready to settle down at 22, why am i still with this person i have no desire to be around. he fills a void i'm convinced that i have. everyone has a void. without friends and family and interests and school and support we would all feel emptiness. these are the ingredients to my growth and they matter to me more than he ever did. let me make it public for the first time, my confessions, all the BULLSHIT reasons we came back to each other. none of which had anything to do with love.
1. felt rejection from a guy. i'll never find love. #1 worst. honestly, how spineless am i? i can't understand why i can give this advice to anyone but can't follow it myself. this probably accounted for at least 6 of the reconnects. i was so used to him being around and i guess i kind of used him for security all these years.
2. kristen and joel started dating. this is ALSO the #1 worst.
i began reconnecting to his invisible myspace. hey, i know it's you. let's get together. i thought it had been long enough to be civil, to be friends. and so then we all went to joels and it was so long ago that i couldn't even describe what happened. but its all gravy now.
3. the last one was probably the most ridiculous of them all. a drunk text from him just to rile me up. turned into a drunk phone call at 4am screaming at one another about lawsuits. which turned into you're the love of my life, please come back, i am so alone, let me pick you up. i can actually feel the nausea inside of me in that car ride back to the apartment. what am i doing. i am so embarassed to be doing this. i went back because i a) did not want to be sued, (like he could afford a lawyer) and b) i couldn't let him be in the empty apartment, feeling heartbroken. ALL THESE REASONS ARE HORSESHIT. WTF WAS I THINKING.
i didn't talk about him to anyone or bring him around because he was awkward as hell. he hated my friends and they hated him. just bad times. i used to not want to desert his friends and my friends i was with for this long. but after several incidents and escapades i'm realizing i can surely do without, and honestly, they would never chill with me otherwise.


does anyone realize the happiness that i had found when i was free of this for 2 years? the people i met and the places. when i moved to glassboro and made it on my own, lived out of my car. i was not intimidated. not for anything. i'm convinced i have ripped biceps from carrying my belongings in and out of cars, from one home to another. jack kerouac could have written a book about me.

here it is folks.

my new "blog" which not only do i still think blogging is for faggots, i also think i am a hypocrite, and am OK with that. here we will discuss topics based on but not limited to:
--things i 'don't understand.'
--lyrics for no reason.
--superhuman occurrences.
--my own fictitious accounts of things that happened recently.
--"you know what really grinds my gears?"
--LISTS!
--profound aim conversations.
in other words, it will be a continuation of my deadjournal, which has recently been coined as a 'work of art', mainly by the Smithsonian. you can view it here.

today's post will basically introduce myself to those of you who already know me. my diet today consisted entirely of my homemade apple pie with cheddar crust (i'm kind of sick to my stomach, now) and an entire pot of coffee. it's currently a quarter to six, and around 6:30 i will drive to paterson for a psychology test. and yes, you guessed it. i should be studying, NOT BLOGGING. but i digress. i will go study now.